I wonder how many more times expensive those are...

You've researched goats! They can be made into cheese!

[Regarding the flavors in a piece of garlic bread including tomato and basil]

Well...I taste tomaiso...

Bye! See you When...day...

My eyes don't need to work to make my hands!

[Giving a eulogy]

Dillon died what he loved...

I killed four dudes but they're still alive

Like when he had that affair with his wife.

[During my first shift as a bus boy]

Coworker: Its your first day, but you're doing such a good job that you look like you've been working here a while now.

Andy: Well, that's because I don't shower often.